


Dear John

by vjs2259



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-01
Updated: 2007-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-10 01:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/780191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vjs2259/pseuds/vjs2259
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gapfiller for “No Surrender, No Retreat”, an examination of friendship under pressure that turns into something more. Written in 2007, previously unposted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear John

**Author's Note:**

> Standard disclaimer applies; not my characters or settings or backgrounds. But they are my words.

 

 

Susan had just changed into a favorite nightgown, long and clinging, made of soft black silk the color of space, when the door to her quarters chimed. _Aw hell_ , she thought, as she put down the glass with her third shot of vodka that night. _And_ _I was finally almost tired enough to sleep_. “Who is it?” she asked testily. It had been another long day, and the task they were confronting kept her from relaxing even when she was off duty.

 

“It’s John,” a tired voice replied. “I have the latest intelligence from Proxima. I wanted to get your opinion on something.”

 

“Come on in,” she replied, as she threw a matching robe over her gown _. I’ll be damned if I get dressed again. It must be 3 in the morning! He can take me as I am!_

 

John entered slowly, his eyes on the thin plastic sheets in his hand. Susan openly stared at him in shock. He looked terrible. Unshaven, shirt rumpled, eyes bloodshot; she’d never seen him in such disarray. She’d known the decision to move against Earth had been difficult, but he looked as if he was truly on the edge.

 

He looked up, caught her look and smiled wryly, “Not at my best right now, Commander?”

 

“Honestly, John, you look like death warmed over. What’s wrong now?”

 

He winced at her words. Little did she know how appropriate that phrase had become. “I wanted you to look at this. We need to move soon, but without more information I don’t see how we can. I just checked; there’s been no more contact with Marcus or any of the other Rangers. I’m flying blind here, and we’ve got to get this thing started!”

 

“Sit down, John. For God’s sake, try to relax a little. Would you like a drink?” She moved into the kitchen area, and gestured towards the open bottle.

 

He hesitated, then said “Actually, yes, I would. Not vodka though, never could stand the stuff. Do you have any whiskey? Or even some wine would be good.”

 

She reached under the counter and pulled out a bottle of red wine. “Somebody gave me this on my birthday last year. Don’t know if it’s any good though.”

 

“I’ll try it. Why not? You only live once.” He smiled grimly.

 

Susan opened the bottle, poured a glass, and took it over to him. She sat down on the other end of the couch and said, “OK, what’s going on? I know you’re on edge with the upcoming fight with Clarke, and you have to be worried out of your skull with the situation on Minbar, but there’s something else. You’ve been keeping something from me, ever since Z’ha’dum. Why does everything need to be done yesterday? Why the rush to Proxima? You’re pushing yourself and everyone else to the breaking point. Why?”

 

John looked at her helplessly. He had not intended to tell anyone of his shortened lifespan, but instead he had revealed it first to Stephen, then to Delenn….He took a big gulp of the wine, and said, “I died at Z’ha’dum, Susan.”

 

She glared at him, “I know that! What else happened?”

 

He spluttered in astonishment, “What do you mean you knew? How could you know?”

 

Her voice softened, as she looked into his anguished eyes, “I felt it… when you fell. I just knew. You understand what I mean?”

 

John was shocked. He knew Susan was a telepath, but a minor one, not even a P1, she had told him. How had she sensed his death, and from such a distance? He tried to focus on the question, but he couldn’t concentrate; he was so tired. He hadn’t been able to sleep for days, and the wine on top of it was making him groggy. Still, he had go ahead and tell her now. “Lorien brought me back. He said he 'breathed on the remaining embers.’ But the thing is, he gave me only part of my life back.”

 

Susan inhaled sharply. “How long?” she asked.

 

John almost laughed aloud. He wondered bitterly how many times he would have to answer that question, and how many times he would watch the pain flare in a friend or loved one’s eyes. “Twenty years,” he answered shortly. “That’s why the rush. There just isn’t enough time.”

 

Something between a laugh and a sob escaped Susan’s lips. “That’s not what Zathras said. There’s always enough time. Time is infinite. I am finite, you are f..fi..finite.”She stammered as the tears began to flow.

 

John moved closer, and took her in his arms. He held her close, smoothing down her long soft hair, making soothing noises as if to a child. As she shifted in his arms, he became aware of how little she was wearing. The thin silk of her gown left little to his imagination. Her breasts were pressed up against his chest, and he could feel her heart, beating fast and strong against him. A sudden wave of desire overcame him, and he pushed her away roughly.

 

She looked up at him in tears, and said, “What’s wrong? I mean, besides everything?” She tried to smile, but it was a weak attempt.

 

He answered in a taut voice, “Everything wrong is just about right. I mean, I’m going to lead an attack against our own forces in the next few days. I will be fighting, and killing, men and women I know; shooting down ships I’ve served on; trying to out think commanders I trained with. It goes against everything I am to do this, and yet I know it’s right. I may die, again, and leave so many things undone. Let so many people down…” He lowered his face into his hands to avoid the look of pain in her eyes.

 

In a whispered voice she had to strain to hear, he added, “Sometimes I almost wish I hadn’t come back. Sometimes I feel like I didn’t; like I’m still there---still falling, or still dead.”

 

This time Susan reached out in comfort. He wasn’t her commander any more, just a good friend in a lot of pain. She pulled his head to her chest, and felt hot tears begin to fall between her breasts. She hadn’t held a man close like this in a long time, and had to fight the growing arousal she was feeling. _Not the time or place, my girl_ , she thought to herself. _And not the man either_. Still, as she stroked his broad shoulders, her body responded naturally to his presence, and she felt her face flush, her nipples harden, and a growing tightness in her abdomen. She hoped fervently that he hadn’t noticed her reactions. There had always been a slight underlying attraction between them, but neither had ever acted on it, and not only because it would break regulations. Their relationship was important to both of them, and it was closer to that of siblings than of Captain and Commander.

 

John knew what she was feeling because he was feeling it too. Desperation and desire overwhelmed him. He wanted to feel alive; to lose himself in her. He wanted to forget. He turned his head slightly and mouthed one nipple through the silk of her gown. Electricity shot through him, and he reached for her other breast.

 

She shuddered at the intimate touch, and placing both hands on either side of his head, she tilted it up so she was looking directly into his eyes. “Are you sure, John? Really sure?” She licked her lips as she nervously awaited his reply, uncertain whether she wanted to hear ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

 

In answer he sat up, took her face between his hands and thoroughly kissed her. As his tongue explored her mouth, his hands roamed her body, pushing up her gown so he could feel her warm skin directly. He wasn’t going to last long at this rate. Desire was raging in him; the need to feel rather than think, to act rather than plan, to simply…be.

 

Susan felt her control slipping as he seemed to be touching her everywhere at once. It had been so long since she had felt like this. It was easy to forget who he was, and who she was, and surrender to the intensity of what she was feeling. She was close now, and began to fumble at his waistband, not wanting to wait any longer. She got it unfastened, and slipped her hand inside to caress his erection. She eased it free of his clothing, and grasped it hard at the root, then slid her fingers up to the area of exquisite softness, just below the tip.

 

John had kicked off his trousers, and with one foot braced on the floor, and one hand on the back of the couch, he held himself above the writhing woman below him. He had removed the piece of lace that served as her undergarment, tearing it slightly in his haste. He slipped two fingers inside her, and moved them in and out slowly as his thumb stroked her clitoris. She was wet, and ready for him. As she caressed him, he felt the pressure build and knew he hadn’t long to go. He pulled out his fingers and guided his penis to her opening, then slid in to the hilt. They both gasped, then began to move against each other, slowly at first, but quickly building to a faster rhythm. After only a few strokes, Susan began to moan, then stopped moving as her orgasm overtook her. John felt her clench around him, and with a final deep thrust, came inside her as waves of intense pleasure washed over him. Finally he collapsed on top of her, unable to hold himself up anymore. Their breathing slowed, and Susan said abruptly, “Ooomph, get off of me!” and rolled out from under him.

 

John laughed, and Susan smiled to see the lazy, easy grin that followed. She hadn’t seem him so relaxed in months. The smile was followed by an ear-splitting yawn, and she leaned over to say “I’m going to shower. Lie down and relax. I’ll be out soon.” John nodded with another yawn, and fell back against the cushions. His eyes fell shut immediately, and she was certain he would be asleep before she got out of the room.

 

She slipped off her gown and tossed it on the floor. It was almost time for her shift in C&C, but she wanted to take a minute and think about what had just happened. She examined herself in the mirror, wondering what others saw when they looked at her. Her figure was still good; full breasts, tight stomach, muscular arms. She’d always wished her legs were longer, but she wasn’t exactly short either. Her hair had always been a good feature. She touched one curl gently, wondering how it appeared to others. The first time she had worn it down, Garibaldi had looked stunned. _Did it make her look that much different_ , she wondered? She stepped into the shower, and knowing she had very little time left, set it to vibe.

 

A short time later, she emerged into the living room, tucking her uniform shirt into her pants. John was snoring softly, one arm dangling off the couch. He had remained awake long enough to pull his clothes together, and with papers scattered over the coffee table, it looked as if he had fallen asleep while working. She moved closer, and reached down to move his arm into a more comfortable position, then froze as his hand closed on hers. After a moment, she realized he was still asleep. He murmured questioningly, “Delenn?” As she tucked his arm back on the couch, he whispered, “I love you.” She paused, realizing the declaration was not meant for her, and felt a pang of regret that it wasn’t.

 

Leaning over him, she kissed his hair, and said softly, “I love you, too.” He smiled in his sleep and rolled over into the cushions. She pulled a throw off the chair and covered him up. Then she went to the small desk against the wall, and pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen. Writing quickly, she finished and folded the note, wrote his name on the outside, and tucked it into the inner pocket of his jacket. She put on her own jacket, and let herself out of her quarters. She paused outside, and pulled her hair back into a tight ponytail. Now she was once again Commander Ivanova, the scourge of C&C. Tapping her link, she alerted Security as to the Captain’s whereabouts, and threatened them with death if they woke him before 0900. Then she strode off to attend to her duties.

 

John awoke some time later, and looked about him in confusion. As his memory of the evening’s events returned, he winced. _Oh my Lord_ , he thought, _what have I done?_

 

Looking at the chronometer on the wall over the desk, he realized Susan must have left a couple of hours before. He grabbed his jacket, and as he was pulling it on, he heard the notepaper in the pocket crackle. He pulled out the note, and read it. Closing his eyes in pain, he debated what he should do. _What Susan wanted him to do_ , he decided _, it was only right_. After all, he had fallen before. Straightening his jacket, he looked around the room, then left quietly. He had a battle to fight, a colony to free. He left the note behind, the only evidence of what had gone on between them.

 

 

_Dear John—_

 

_You know I can keep a secret._

_Yours are safe with me._

_Thank you for last night, but_

_ Never again _ _._

 

_Susan_

 


End file.
